Archive for Let’s All Go to the Lobby…

Who Is Duncan Jax?

Ian Hunter as Duncan Jax in Unmasking the Idol (1986)

The amazing Duncan Jax made his cinematic debut in 1986 at the height of the G.I. Joe craze. The syndicated cartoon was still going strong, and the Joes even had their own breakfast cereal (Action Stars!). Just like the “Real American Heroes”, the world of Duncan Jax was a crazed mix of military gunfondling, super spy silliness, ninjas, and a baboon. Yep, baboon.

Unmasking the Idol (1986) is the first Duncan Jax adventure, with Ian Hunter as the secret agent / greatest ninja in the world. The story was conceived by producer Robert P. Eaton, whose own personal backstory will come back to haunt these films in a later installment. The plot is nearly incomprehensible, involving stolen gold presumably going to be used by evil ninja Scarlet Leader to purchase nuclear weapons to spark World War III. As if that wasn’t enough of a stake for Duncan, he’s also told in his mission briefing that Scarlet Leader is working with Goldtooth, the German arch-nemesis who killed his parents. That really baits the hook for ol’ Duncan.

Director Worth Keeter laid the groundwork here for his future as a director for over a hundred episodes of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and related series. He’s got some other worthy credits, including the Sybil Danning / Wings Hauser vehicle L.A. Bounty and Pamela Anderson’s debut feature Snapdragon, so I’m sure we’ll be revisiting his outstanding oeuvre again someday.

Like many James Bond films, both Duncan Jax adventures begin in medias res, with Duncan showing off during some unrelated mission. We then get our requisite mission briefing from Star (C.K. Bibby) and a gearing-up phase with Shangtai Tuan playing the Q-role as the exasperated Sato. Missions like these NEVER go off as planned, so both films feature supporting casts of miscellaneous allies and enemies for Duncan Jax to berate, scowl at, or seduce, sometimes all three.

Below is the opening title sequence from the West German release of
Unmasking the Idol, curiously retitled Duncan Jack und Mister Boon,
but with the amazingly over-the-top theme song left intact

He walks the night between the wrong and right,
but he’s drawn, like a moth, to the light.

The flame grows higher, his will can fight desire,
so he walks into the fire.

Ride on the wings… of the wind… to the sun..
but not… till the game is won.

Yeah, revenge is sweet, if you can stand the heat,
and can you stay in for the run?

The masked man and the devil’s gold
is a story about to be told.

Of course, Duncan’s most trusted ally is Mister Boon, his baboon sidekick. Boon’s skillset complements Duncan’s quite well since he is also trained in ninjitsu as well as tank driving and obscene gestures. Yep, tank driving, but trust me, you have not lived until you have seen a baboon kill a man with a shuriken.

After his adventure on Devil’s Crown Island in Unmasking the Idol, Jax and Boon would return in 1987′s The Order of the Black Eagle. In his second, and sadly final, mission, Duncan Jax must infiltrate the titular neo-Nazi terrorist group with the aid of fellow agent Tiffany Youngblood and a ridiculous false mustache. Predictably, everything goes pear-shaped and our heroes must escape deathtraps and recruit allies from some conveniently located South American rebels. Each of the rebels has a cute code name and related specialty, just like the members of the G.I. Joe team. A particular standout is Spike, played by Flo Hyman, a Silver Medalist on the 1984 U.S. Women’s Olympic Volleyball Team. Sadly, Flo died before filming was completed, and the film is dedicated to her.

Duncan Jax File Card
Mister Boon File Card

As I write this, Order of the Black Eagle is currently on Netflix streaming, so I predict a drinking game is in order. Stay tuned and gird thy loins. There’s really not much one can do to prepare oneself for the overwhelming awesomeness of Duncan Jax.

Let’s All Go to the Lobby…

Movie Poster for "The Breed"

Let’s All Go to the Lobby…
Let’s All Go to the Lobby…
and Get Ourselves a Drink!

Some films are so bad they’re good. Some films benefit from a little liquid encouragement. Some people seek out such entertainment. We are such people, and we’re willing to share our discoveries with you.

Please remember to drink responsibly.

“The first week of August hangs at the very top of the summer, the top of the live-long year, like the highest seat of a Ferris wheel when it pauses in its turning. The weeks that come before are only a climb from balmy spring, and those that follow a drop to the chill of autumn, but the first week of August is motionless, and hot. It is curiously silent, too, with blank white dawns and glaring noons, and sunsets smeared with too much color. Often at night there is lightning, but it quivers all alone. There is no thunder, no relieving rain. These are strange and breathless days, the dog days, when people are led to do things they are sure to be sorry for after.” — Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting

Tonight’s Feature:

The Breed(2006)

Produced by horror icon Wes Craven, The Breed marks the directorial debut of Nicholas Mastandrea, frequent assistant director to Craven and key grip for George Romero on many of his classics throughout the 70s and 80s. Filming took approximately two months in South Africa, but each actor had to undergo canine training for about a week prior. Too bad Mastandrea didn’t spend as much time training his human actors or reworking the script. The Breed debuted at the 2006 Cannes Film Festival to little fanfare, but we’re about to celebrate its cliche excess tonight!

Our principals are all cliche “Horror Young People”, but let’s get to know them anyway…

Taryn Manning and Michelle Rodriguez in "The Breed"

Taryn Manning and Michelle Rodriguez in The Breed (2006)

Michelle Rodriguez

Michelle Rodriguez had already made a name for herself in Girlfight, The Fast and the Furious, and as Ana Lucia Cortez on the television show Lost. Here, she plays Nicki, one of five young people visiting the remote island that serves as the film’s sole setting. She is romantically linked to Matt (Eric Lively), but had previously dated his older brother, John (Oliver Hudson), creating a bit of natural tension between the three.

Established early in the film, Nicki is a health food nut and an “outdoorsy type”. She comes prepared with not only soy milk, flax seed oil, and kasha, but climbing rope and Dyna-Locks. Hopefully, all that will come in handy when the diabolical dogs show up.

Taryn Manning

One half of the sibling poptronic duo Boomkat, Taryn Manning had already appeared in the musically driven films 8 Mile and Hustle & Flow before joining the cast of The Breed. I must confess that I don’t believe I’ve ever heard her sing, but her performance here as the party girl Sara has a schtrange schpeech pattern that I’m not sure is an affectation for the role. It alternates between being cute and kind of annoying. Sch’est la vie.

Oliver Hudson, Eric Lively, and Hill Harper in "The Breed"

Oliver Hudson, Eric Lively, and Hill Harper in The Breed

Eric Lively

In 2005, Eric Lively joined the second season cast of the Showtime original series The L Word as the sleazy and self-interested documentary filmmaker Mark Wayland. The former Abercrombie & Fitch model plays it much more “straight” here as Matt, the responsible younger brother to John (Hudson). With “three final exams, two biology labs, and a term paper due in four days,” Matt is finding it difficult to get into the spirit of a vacation getaway like his roommate Noah and older brother John. The latter requests that Matt avoid acting like a “little vagina.” That’s both offensive and incredibly difficult for Matt, as you’ll see.

Oliver Hudson

Oliver Hudson is the son of Goldie Hawn and Bill Hudson, brother to Kate Hudson. Here, he’s John, the irresponsible brother of Matt (Lively). Up to this point, Hudson had been best known for a stint on the sixth season of Dawson’s Creek. Nicki (Rodriguez) is John’s ex-girlfriend. Now, he’s forced to stand back and watch her mack all over his more successful little brother, clearly rubbing salt in an old wound. He’s at least partly to blame, if everyone else is to be believed, because he doesn’t know how to treat a lady. Sometimes ya got to squeeze. Sometimes you’ve got to say please.

Hill Harper

Hill Harper plays Noah, the hard partying roommate of Matt (Lively). Harper began playing Dr. Sheldon Hawkes on the television series CSI: NY in 2004, an award-winning role he continues to play as I post this. During their first year as Harvard law students, he befriended President Barack Obama. In The Breed, Noah keeps much less sterling company and is characterized as a mediocre student at best, “a fan of the five-year program.” As the token wisecracking black man in a sea of young white people, the literal “fifth wheel,” he’s doomed to never finish said program. Hardly a spoiler alert to anyone familiar with the tropes involved.

Before we let the dogs out, you must first “ante up.”

Ante: A Salty Dog (one shot of vodka and two shots of grapefruit juice in a glass, salt the rim). Alternatively, a Bloodhound, Greyhound, or even a Slippery Nipple. Hey, we’re not lawyers, and tomorrow morning, it’ll all be “Hair of the Dog” anyway.

Now, once the feature has begun, pick your poison (beer, hard lemonade, etc.).
These are the few simple rules you must obey:

  • Rule # 1: Drink to new acquaintances whenever a named character is introduced.
  • Rule # 2: Any time a named cast member dies, drink to their memory.
  • Rule # 3: Drink for courage any time dogs enter the scene for the first time.
  • Rule # 4: Whenever you see a character drink on screen, you must do the same.

I recommend a 15-minute intermission about halfway through for smokes, restroom breaks, water (hangover-proofing), snacks, etc. Appropriate snacks include cocktail weenies, pâté and bagel chips, or, for vegetarians, cookies shaped like little dog biscuits. In any case, I do NOT recommend drinking additional alcohol during intermission.

Beer BottleBeer Bottle
Difficulty Level:
Viewers will typically consume 22 oz.
(2 bottles at 1/2 oz. per drink, 12 oz. per bottle)
of alcoholic beverage if all rules are obeyed.

Running Time: 96 min. (+15 min. intermission)

If you want to check your work or just live vicariously through others, give man’s best friend a pet (click) and scope out our official scorecard for The Breed:

One of the many personable pooches from "The Breed"

One of the many personable pooches from The Breed

Let’s All Go to the Lobby…

Movie Poster for "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine"

Let’s All Go to the Lobby…
Let’s All Go to the Lobby…
and Get Ourselves a Drink!

Some films are so bad they’re good. Some films benefit from a little liquid encouragement. Some people seek out such entertainment. We are such people, and we’re willing to share our discoveries with you.

Please remember to drink responsibly.

“Built part by part in the secret laboratory of the evil Dr. Goldfoot. It is part of a sinister plot to capture the wealth of the world. It has a KISS-BUTTON… a KILL-BUTTON, and a MYSTERY-BUTTON. Press the right button and it’ll GO-GO-GO!

Tonight’s Feature:

Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine(1965)

Produced by American International Pictures and Samuel Z. Arkoff, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine is a spoof of popular spy films of its day, most notably the James Bond classic, Goldfinger, released just the year prior. To accomplish this feat, AIP pooled resources from two of its fading lines, the Corman-Poe cycle and beach party films. The result is neither fish nor fowl, but flamboyantly fun.

I purposefully omitted this little romp from our Super Spies of the Swinging Sixties
(1965 Edition)
because I knew I would come back to it here. Ain’t I a stinker?

Vincent Price in "Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs"

Vincent Price in the woefully unfunny Dr. Goldfoot
and the Girl Bombs
. That’s his henchman
"Hardjob" in the background there. Don’t ask.

Vincent Price

The venerable Vincent Price is the titular Dr. Goldfoot, the mad scientist inventor of the ultimate honey trap. Each of his robotic “bikini machines” is constructed to appeal to a chosen man of power and wealth. The victim is seduced by the sexbot and cajoled into signing his fortune away to the newfound lady love who is programmed to be unquestioningly loyal to the evil doctor. Price was disappointed that the film, originally intended to be a full-on musical, had all of the musical numbers cut. Most of them were utilized to promote the film on a special episode of the ABC musical variety show Shindig!, though, sadly, Price is still left without a song.

Susan Hart in "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine"

Susan Hart in Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine

Susan Hart

Susan Hart (The Slime People) is Goldfoot’s latest creation, Number 11 or “Diane”. She has been constructed to target Todd Armstrong (Dwayne Hickman), the nation’s wealthiest and most elusive bachelor. Unfortunately, Dr. Goldfoot’s resurrected assistant, Igor, blunders and sends her to the wrong victim, who is quickly smitten and not willing to give up so easily.

Frankie Avalon in "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine"

Frankie Avalon in Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine

Frankie Avalon

Beach blanket lothario Frankie Avalon is Craig Gamble, and he’s a SIC man. Sick with infatuation over Diane, but also SIC as in Secret Intelligence Command, the “West Coast Division,” to be exact. Craig reports to his exasperated Uncle Donald (Fred Clark) and has the unfortunate code number of “Double-Oh and a Half”. He’s not even allowed to carry a gun as yet, let alone a license to kill. Uncle Donald wants him to turn some red flags (denoting “trouble spots” on the operations map) into blue flags, “happy flags”. Unfortunately, his chance encounter with Diane has left him unable to focus on much more than her chassis.

To prepare for your mission, you must first “ante up.”

Ante: Any style of martini, shaken not stirred. My personal preference is “very dirty,” with a jalapeño-stuffed cannonball olive or two, but the possibilities are practically endless.

Now, once the feature has begun, pick your poison (beer, hard lemonade, etc.).
These are the few simple rules you must obey:

  • Rule # 1: Drink to each numbered “bikini machine” as they are introduced.
    If you have a poor or impaired memory, you are likely to end up taking unnecessary drinks. No risk, no reward.
  • Rule # 2: Any time someone says “Tchin Tchin” or “Chop chop”, drink.
  • Rule # 3: Drink any time a character climbs into or onto a vehicle.
  • Rule # 4: Drink any time a character accidentally bumps his or her head.

I recommend a 15-minute intermission about halfway through for smokes, restroom breaks, water (hangover-proofing), snacks, etc. Appropriate snacks include pita chips and hummus, veggies and dip, or cheese and crackers. Basically, go for beach blanket picnic food. In any case, I do NOT recommend drinking additional alcohol during intermission.

Beer BottleBeer Bottle
Difficulty Level:
Viewers will typically consume 29.5 oz.
(2.5 bottles at 1/2 oz. per drink, 12 oz. per bottle)
of alcoholic beverage if all rules are obeyed.

Running Time: 88 min. (+15 min. intermission)

If you want to check your work or just live vicariously through others, click Diane’s
“KISS-BUTTON” below for the official Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine debriefing scorecard:

Dwayne Hickman and Susan Hart in "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine"

Dwayne Hickman and Susan Hart in Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine

Let’s All Go to the Lobby…

Movie Poster for "At the Earth's Core"

Let’s All Go to the Lobby…
Let’s All Go to the Lobby… and Get Ourselves a Drink!

Some films are so bad they’re good. Some films benefit from a little liquid encouragement. Some people seek out such entertainment. We are such people, and we’re willing to share our discoveries with you.
Please remember to drink responsibly.

Tonight’s Feature:

At the Earth’s Core(1976)

At the Earth’s Core is a Victorian adventure film based on the science fiction novel of the same name written by Edgar Rice Burroughs (of John Carter and Tarzan fame). I suppose it could be called steampunk, but the steam-tech is primarily employed to get our heroes to the subterranean world of Pellucidar, and, aside from a little social revolution, there’s precious little punk. Still, this should be a hoot for the top hat and pocket watch crowd or anyone else who likes pulpy adventure.

Doc Perry and David in the "Iron Mole" from "At the Earth's Core"

Doc Perry and David in the "Iron Mole" from "At the Earth's Core"

Peter Cushing

Peter Cushing (Grand Moff Tarkin in Star Wars) is Dr. Abner Perry, the inventor of the “high calibration digging machine,” or “iron mole” as it’s nicknamed. We come into the film on the day of its inaugural “burrow.” Perry intends to dig through the heart of a Welsh hill and demonstrate the effectiveness of his device. Doc is a bit of a scatterbrain, but he has his moments of trademark English bravado and derring-do, making this a very unusual role for the normally stoic and sometimes sinister Cushing.

Caroline Munro as Princess Dia in "At the Earth's Core"

Caroline Munro as Princess Dia in "At the Earth's Core"

Doug McClure

Doug McClure (The Land That Time Forgot) joins Dr. Perry as David Innes, an American financier and son of one of Perry’s best students. David, on the other hand, was amongst the worst, but Doc still sees plenty of promise in “young” David. David’s a Victorian-era meathead, but he’s got guts, and guts is enough.

Caroline Munro

Caroline Munro (The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, Captain Kronos – Vampire Hunter) is Princess Dia, because every Edgar Rice Burroughs story requires a princess and who better than the nubile Munro. Dia is one of the first inhabitants of Pellucidar that Doc and David meet, and she provides both exposition and motivation to our heroes.

In order to prepare for our voyage, you must first “ante up.”

Ante: A shot of Fireball cinnamon whiskey or alternatively, Firefly sweet tea vodka, or some other fire-themed liqueur. Harder lemonades or tea liqueurs would also be appropriate to the Victorian theme.

Now, once the feature has begun, pick your poison (beer, hard lemonade, etc.).
These are the few simple rules you must obey:

  • Rule # 1: Drink to new acquaintances whenever a named character is introduced.
  • Rule # 2: Any time a named cast member dies, drink to their memory.
  • Rule # 3: Drink for courage any time a rubber monster enters the scene for the first time.
  • Rule # 4: Drink to victory any time a rubber monster is vanquished.
  • Rule # 5: Every time you see a Mahar blink, then you must take a drink.

“What the deuce is a Mahar?” you ask. Patience, old sport. All will be revealed in time.

I recommend a 15-minute intermission about halfway through for cigars (a David Innes vice), restroom breaks, water (hangover-proofing), snacks, etc. Appropriate snacks include hot wings, smoked turkey legs, or, for vegetarians, seven layer bean dip. In any case, I do NOT recommend drinking additional alcohol during intermission.

Beer BottleBeer BottleBeer Bottle
Difficulty Level:
Viewers will typically consume 35 oz.
(3 bottles at 1/2 oz. per drink, 12 oz. per bottle)
of alcoholic beverage if all rules are obeyed.
 
Running Time: 89 min. (+15 min. intermission)

If you want to check your work or just live vicariously through others, click the link
(“iron mole”) below for the official At the Earth’s Core scorecard:

The "Iron Mole" from "At the Earth's Core"

The "Iron Mole" from "At the Earth's Core"